Summary of The Fires of Heaven Elaida: Fain, I am looking for a new advisor. Tell me your qualifications. Fain: Well, I am filthy, insane, and evil. Elaida: YouÕre hired. Advise me. Fain: You must become crazier. Look how well it's done for me. Elaida: Good advice. --------------- Gareth Bryne: I used to control AndorÕs armies. Now I preside over local trials involving livestock burning. You have killed a manÕs livestock. You will work for me. I suddenly love you. Siuan: I used to control the White Tower. Now I hide in barns. I agree to work for you. I must run away. And I suddenly love you. --------------- Egwene: Rand alÕThor! As an honorary Aes Sedai, you must listen to me! Rand: I thought you were an honorary Aiel. Egwene: IÕm both. ItÕs called ÒAiel Sedai.Ó ItÕs when youÕre arrogant enough for two cultures. --------------- Nynaeve: IÕm wearing a green silk dress with slashes of white with snowy white lace in a floral pattern. It has the faces of cherubs sewn into the sides, and the picture of deer running gracefully through a wooded stream in the skirt. It shows generous cleavage. Elayne: IÕm wearing a dark blue silk dress with a pattern of black lace. It has actual thread-of-gold woven into the bodice, telling the story of my childhood, including the part when I skinned my knee trying to climb a leatherleaf tree in Master HansonÕs orchard. It shows generous cleavage. Nynaeve: I miss good, stout Two Rivers woolens. Elayne: Maybe you could by some wool dresses. Nynaeve: IÕm far too important for that, according to my estimation of myself. Since weÕre keeping only the bare essentials on our mission to save the world, how many dresses have we packed in our wagon? Elayne: Five hundred and eighty-four. ------------- Rand: Too bad no one killed Couladin when we had the chance. Rhuarc: That would violate jiÕeÕtoh. Rand: jiÕeÕtoh restricts you from stopping madmen warlords? Rhuarc: Yes. The rule is madmen warlords can try to kill you, and everyone near you, and everyone else who isnÕt near you, and everyone they know, and everyone they thought was looking at them funny. Rand: What does jiÕeÕtoh let me do? Rhuarc: You can mutter under your breath. Rand: Shaido dogs. Rhuarc: Now youÕre getting it. ------------- Melaine: Sorilea, you must help me marry Bael. Sorilea: I will give you the Offer Dagger, which you will use to stab him in the shoulder as a sign of your love. Melaine: I hope he will club me with the Acceptance Club, which will show his acceptance of my offer. Sorilea: Then you will whip him with the Joy Whip, which will show your joy, Melaine: And he will pelt me with the Honeymoon Pebbles. Sorilea: And eventually, you will attack him with the Childbirth Spear. Melaine: Then we will all beat ourselves with the Moron Bat. --------------- Thom: Are you sure you donÕt need help this time? Nynaeve: How dare you insult us! We arenÕt fools! Ronde Macura: Drink this, fools. Nynaeve: Ah, nice, delicious fool tea. ---------------- Elayne: I can walk the highwire without the help of the Power, because I am the Daughter-Heir. Nynaeve: I didnÕt know Daughter-Heirs knew how to walk highwires. Elayne: ItÕs an old tradition, dating back to when Andor was founded by a trapeze artist. --------------- Faile: Okay, lower that beam! And make sure thereÕs room in our ballroom for a third couch. And I want that well in our back yard finished in time for dinner. And lift the chandelier to at least two spans above the dining hall. And make sure the giant wolfhead banner over the mantel is the right shade of red. I hate when people use the dark, rust red color. It needs to be ruby red. And the balcony over the sun porch needs to be painted pine green! Perrin: Are you sure we need such a huge mansion? Faile: Quiet. You arenÕt even in this book. ---------------- Rand: If only there were some way to skim ahead of Couladin. Like a Talent. Like a Skimming Talent that I might have already rediscovered back at The Golden Bowl. That I might use to move an army to rescue Caemlyn, but probably not Cairhien. Or even some saÕangreal that I might have already used to protect Tear, but probably not Cairhien. Oh, well, I guess thousands must die. In Cairhien. --------------- Aviendha: Rand alÕThor, you gave me a bracelet that was to make me like you, and stop hating you. But all the Maidens thought it was because you loved me, and I loved you. Which you do, and I do. But itÕs supposed to be a secret, which makes me mad. And I am mad that you thought that a nice gift would make me like you, and I am mad that wearing the gift makes it look like I accept your love, even though I really would if you offered, which you havenÕt, and wonÕt until I admit my true feelings, which I wonÕt. Even though I say I would hate it if you tried to love me, I actually am lying, and want desperately for you to admit your feelings to me. So here is a gift of a heron-mark sword. I hope this can successfully heighten the sexual tension between us. Rand: Uh, thanks for the sword. Aviendha: Men are so complicated. -------------- Moiraine: Rand, I cannot advise you forever. Some day I may die. Some day I will die. Someday, I will die protecting you from Lanfear in Cairhien. Rand: What was that last part? Moiraine: Uh, the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. In Cairhien. --------------- Nynaeve: When I think of Lan, I want wear low-cut dresses. Elayne: Yes, when I think of Rand, I want to wear low-cut dresses. Nynaeve: Yes, men make women want to get naked. Elayne: Yes, thatÕs how women show love. We get naked and walk around. Nynaeve: When I get married, IÕm throwing away all of my clothes, and just wearing my braid. Nynaeve: We have bonded. You are my best friend. Elayne: You are my best friend. You and Egwene, and Aviendha, and Min. You are all my best friend. Elayne: YouÕre crowding me in this little wagon. Nynaeve: I hate you. Elayne: I hate you. Nynaeve: I hate you and Lan, and Thom, and Juilin, and Valan Luca, and that man selling apples that leered at me the other day. You are all my worst enemies. Elayne: I hate you and Rand and my mother, and Galad, and that pretty boy in Tanchico who got me drunk. You are all my worst enemies. Nynaeve: IÕm such a coward. I love you like a sister. Elayne: You are not a coward. You are brave. I love you like a sister. You and Egwene, and Aviendha, and Min. You are all my sisters. And that one girl who gave me an extra necklace. She is my sister also. And Anaiya Sedai. She is very nice, like a sister. And my brother Gawyn. He is also my sister. ------------- Egwene: Being the biggest loudmouth is now my job. Nynaeve: Can I still have the job of braidpuller? Egwene: Until I get bored. --------------- Rand: Weiramon, you are a fool who most likely hates me. You are in charge. Weiramon: Excellent plan, my liege. Shall I charge at the opposing army? Rand: No. ThatÕs a corn field. ------------- Aviendha: I want to sleep with you so badly that I must now run naked through a blizzard. Rand: Maybe you donÕt have to kill yourself. Aviendha: No, my honor demands it. Rand: That seems silly. Aviendha: You are a wetlander, you wouldnÕt understand. When Aiel love someone, our honor demands we run through blizzards naked. Rand: What does your honor demand if you only have a small crush on someone? Aviendha: Then you wear a shift and sit in ice. Rand: Perhaps you should use the Moron Bat. Aviendha: Yes, thank you. ----------------- Selande: Since you have taken Cairhien, I must flirt with you. Rand: I should simply tell you to go away, but IÕd rather terrify you. Selande: That forces me to become a fake Aiel battle leader. ---------------- Melindra: You could be a great man. Greater than the Dragon Reborn. You could conquer all the world, and make every nation kneel before you! You could make women weep, and men gnash their teeth! You could forge the world in the image of the Great Lord, whom I love! Mat: What? Melindra: Nothing. Go Light. Now look over there. Mat: Okay. Hey, no trying to kill me! Melindra: Damn. Go Dark. Mat: Hm. Something she said sounded odd. I must piece it together. -------------------- Lanfear: You slept with another girl! Now you must die! Rand: I cannot hurt a woman. So I must laugh. Moiraine: While heÕs distracting her with his laughing, I will save the day. Rand: All my laughing at nothing finally paid off. -------------- Sulin: Why do you hide your crying, Rand alÕThor? We Aiel never hide our crying. Rand: ThatÕs funny, because IÕve never once seen any of you cry. Sulin: Sure we do. I stubbed my toe. Boo-hoo. Rand: YouÕre faking it. Your culture sounds a lot like youÕre just making it up as you go along. Sulin: How dare you. You insult us like a Wizard of Oz! Rand: Now youÕre just copying other stories! Sulin: Silence, Jedi. ---------------- Dobraine: There is a rumor that Morgase is dead. And rumors are always true. Rand: Yes, rumors are never wrong. I once heard a rumor that a fishkeeper in Aringill could fit five apples in his mouth. Dobraine: Must be true; itÕs a rumor. Rand: To the Skimming Mobile! Dobraine: All that Skimming would have been nice when my city was in trouble. Rand: WhatÕs that? Dobraine: Nothing. Skim away. Save Caemlyn. IÕll just return to the pile of ashes that was once my house. ------------------- Rand: So! Rahvin! Lord Gaebril is actually you! Rahvin: Damn. I was hoping everyone thought I was simple evil Lord Gaebril, and not evil Forsaken Rhavin. --------------- Nynaeve: LetÕs hope that TelÕaranÕrhiod will take us to Rand and Rhavin fighting in the Royal Palace. Oh. It has. --------------- Asmodean: You! No! Rhuarc: Oh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget to wear pants. ---------------- And the fires of heaven rained down upon the Earth! And the children danced, and the people cried. And the buffalo spun in circles. For the Lord Dragon was Lord of the Fires of Heaven. And Lord of Chaos. And Lord of the Crown of Swords. And Lord of the Path of Daggers. And Lord with WinterÕs Heart. He was Lord of a great many things. Amen. -Translated by tÕTaelÕBagaliÕdinÕguulÕBOORabora Royal babbling prophecy translator of the Court of Heral Fourth Age -Credit to Isam of Infogrames WoT forums